"Squirrel Alert!"

I have purposely put off this write desiring others the opportunity to step up to the plate and address a epidemic, a plague if you will prevalent in our beloved community. People have suffered in silence without proper representation. I'm am self conscious about inadvertently feeding the rumors that abound stating Duane Lyon is secretly laying the ground-work for a political run in a city or county race for public office. I have stated in numerous venues I am not a candidate and will not accept any draft or petition forwarded in my name. Why should I step down as I am this prestigious, award-winning newspaper's only non-paid weekly local community news columnist, and I take my job very serious. As Mantle, Ruth, and Bonds before me, I swing for the bleachers with each column with hours of research, meditation, and power-naps carefully and with specificity, selecting each word with you in mind. You are the beloved reader and as your word artisan I can say you are always on my mind. Thanks Elvis!

One of my many professors in college once told me Duane be a voice not a echo. Don't bother picking up the Joplin Globe, New York Times, or Time Magazine and expect to read this write. Trust me I have had offers. You know I detest self horn tooting and name-dropping, but my point requires I toot a bit. I have earplugs available if the haters rise up. I write original and I'm loyal to the CCNA.

Here goes, recently in my Baxter abode the lights flickered off around the neighborhood. Shirley my neighbor informed me the Baxter Fire department and complex manager were on the way along with the power company. The culprit turned out to be a squirrel that had chewed on the power line. The winner was the squirrel that lived and left the scene before the police could verify any potential policy the squirrel possessed.

A school in Columbus also suffered damage as a squirrel nibbled on powers lines with his healthy appetite. Many times I nap in Kiwanis Park on the river bank to recharge my artistic batteries for my poetry writing. The park is plum full of squirrels. With the 100 degree plus heat wave and 60 mile an hour pouring rains I have stuck to my leather sofa chair and feather bed.

Dear elected officials, we have an issue! I have put some thought in this and here's my big idea as a private citizen. Let's spray the hundreds of gumball trees with a electric power line perfume and have the squirrels eat up the millions of prickly sticky gumballs that are a trip hazard for both seniors and children. Someone please cook-up a Baxter squirrel stew and create a Route 66 novelty gumball chewing gum, and let's stock the shelves of Monarch Pharmacy, Somewhere in Time Antiquities, Pete's Phillip's 66, and Casey's General store. Send Bud some stew down at Star-Lube. Dawn Reeser set me an appointment with the Mayor please! Jessica Gilman, loan specialists at American Bank, I will be down and may need a small loan for shares in my stew project. We eat it in Kentucky. Pass the Louisiana hot sauce please. This solves two problems and enhances existing businesses. You're welcome everybody, and again I am not a candidate. Thank you!

Lastly, Shirley is a retired teacher and her co-workers affectionately nicknamed her 'Squirrelly'. Every holiday she is gifted with squirrel do-dads, such as a squirrel enhanced bird bath (photo) and various nick knacks. Through our neighborly visits I discovered she doesn't particularly like squirrels. To her friends and co-workers no more squirrel jokes or presents please. Enough already! An electric toaster, clock, and telly "television" would be nice. Also a back up battery clock is in order. The squirrel fountain is actually drawing them in, hello! Okay, I'm off my weekly soapbox, just sayin'! God loves you, me too! Visit youtube.com and search (Duane Lyon Travel Stories) to view my new conversation on this subject.

Lyon is a world traveler, humorist and story teller. Contact him at thestreetpreacherjs@gmail.com with local news bites!